Baby Got Orbs
by Katarina Freeman
Summary: As requested; a song about hobbits and their darlin' eyes. Rated PG-13 cause it's done to the tune of Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby Got Back," though by itself it's harmless enough to be PG or G.


**Disclaimer:** You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will- whoops, wrong legal speech. Uh, "Baby Got Back" was performed by Sir Mix-a-Lot and belongs to some record company, and Lord of the Rings belongs to Tolkein, New Line Cinema, and Burger King (don't ask).  
  
**Author's Note:** NO! I am NOT trying to milk reviews out of this song! This was requested (thanks for the idea, Drakena and Frodo's_gal!), and I happened to think it was a good idea. ::Sticks out tounge at anyone attempting to flame her for that reason::  
  
While writing this song and searching my mind for reasons Hobbits are desirable, I've decided that they are "definately not un-cute." Oh who am I kidding? They're absolutely darling! Frodo and Pippin! ::Squeals:: So cute!  
  
**Baby Got Orbs**  
  
*talking*  
Oh my god  
Arwen, look at his eyes  
They are SO big  
He looks like one of those hobbits, from the Shire...  
Who understands those hobbits anyway  
They leave their girlfriends to get rid of rings and stuff  
I mean, his eyes  
They're just so BIG  
I can't believe they're so round  
He's just so adorable  
I mean, they're wide  
Look! He's just so... ca-yute!  
  
I like big eyes and I cannot lie  
You fanfickers can't deny  
That when a guy walks in under 4'8"  
With those big things on his face  
You get shocked  
Wanna pull up to dock  
Cuz you notice his eyes are locked  
Right into yours. You're starin'-  
And not at the clothes he's wearing  
Oh halfling, I wanna get with ya  
And take your picture  
My friends they try to warn me  
But those eyes you got  
Hey, they ain't corny!  
Ooh, face of smooth skin  
And all so cleansha-ven [wink]  
Well use me use me cause I ain't your average groupy!  
  
I've seen the Prancin'  
Pony and I'm romancin'  
With short guys. Big eyes. Writin' Mary Sues; I'm up until sunrise  
  
I'm tired of magazines  
Saying tall guys are the thing  
Take the average fan and tell her that  
She'll engage you in combat  
  
So girlfriends (yeah) girlfriends (yeah)  
Has your hobbit got those eyes? (oh yeah)  
Tell him to blink them (blink it!) blink them (blink it!) blink those great big eyes  
  
Baby got orbs  
  
(Elven face with halfling peepers)  
  
I like'em round and big  
And when he's dancing a jig  
I just can't help myself  
I wanna dance with 'im  
And maybe even kiss 'im  
  
I could take you home...  
And "aaahhh...", gaze at you "aaahh..." "aaahh..."  
I aint talkin bout contacts  
Little plastic things just don't attract  
I wann'em real big and shining  
You know I'm sittin here pining  
Puttin up with Frodo's whining  
While other girls are declining  
So I'm lookin' at medieval videos  
Knocking these knights a-killing their foes  
You can have them Him-bos  
I want my men just like Frodo  
A word to the cute little halfings:  
Pippin, Merry, Samwise,  
(And Bagginses too!)  
I gotta be straight when I say I wanna:  
"Awwwwwwww!"  
Till the break of dawn  
Hobbits got it goin on  
A lot of big folk won't like this song  
Cuz those blokes don't have such big eyes  
And don't know where true beauty lies  
Cuz they're tall. Frodo's small.  
And you know who _I'm_ givin my all  
  
So Hobbits (yeah), Hobbits (yeah)  
You darling little thief-like rob-its (yeah)  
Just look at me  
Bat those lashes  
Now the cuteness comes in flashes  
Baby got orbs  
  
(Elven face with halfling peepers)  
  
Yeah baby  
When it comes to fan fictions  
Legolas ain't got nothin to do with my selection  
(OK, maybe just a little... But only if he's 4'3"!)  
  
So your guy-friend's over six feet  
But I bet he doesn't got hairy feet  
See the Elite they got mini-bushes on their feet [hair we go again]  
My little guy, I don't want none unless you got orbs hun  
You can wear sunglasses or grow a beard  
But please don't lose them eyes  
Some reviewers wanna play the hard role  
And tell you that the guy ain't gold  
So they flame it. And leave it.  
They're just jealous cause they can't achieve it  
  
So Elrond calls you short  
To that I have a retort  
His eyes are small and his height is frightnin'  
And I'm thinkin bout fightin' him  
To the squinty things in the magazines  
You aint it Mr. Thing  
Give me a hobbit and I just can't stop it  
There's just no way you can top it  
Some fanficker tried to dis  
Cuz these guys were on my list  
She had game but she chose to flame 'em  
And I pulled up quick to reclaim 'em  
So Hobbits, if your eyes are wide  
And you're ready to swallow your pride  
Dial 1-800-BIG-EYE-S and call me (please don't chide!)  
Baby got orbs  
  
**A/N:** Do NOT call 1-800-BIG-EYE-S! I don't own the number; I don't even know if it exists, and I'm not trying to promote it if it does! Sheesh, you people causing trouble _again?_ ;-) 


End file.
